Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in pancakebunny46's LiveJournal:

Monday, December 31st, 2007
12:46 am	Got to say that sometimes you just don't want to talk to your friends about what's going on in your life, the difficulties especially being t, can't say that my life has been easy with everything, for those of my friends that do want to know what's going on, well I lost my job recently at the office and part of it I have to admit was more of me burning bridges others, well I can't say. I do know I've come to terms that my old job was difficult with the standoffishness of some of my co-workers and the ostrization I experience from my family. New in my life well I finally found a torrent to download what I think is the first season of the sundance film festival Transgeneration, kindof hopeful to see life like that come full circle for so many of us, also I looked at some Christian sites to understand religious view points of my transition found that it’s the usual farce about how scripture states that it’s wrong.   Somehow it’s feels like a never ending war. I get a few seconds ahead in life and end up 5 years behind. Amongst all the unjust hatred of the world I wonder if there is anything I can do. I remember a scripture that talks about when injustice is amongst the world how you can hear the “blood crying out of the land.”  On one hand I feel angry (J says I would probably go insane) the other I feel a desire to do something. Hatred is universal it has its purpose but must be balanced with long suffering and kindness. Then I guess you could say it isn’t hatred per say but starting to know how a little bit of injustice just like the unlawful prejudices also can cause a person to have difficulty in this life. In other news J and I spent xmas together. He got me a Mashimaro and I can’t help but love it to death (for those of you who don’t know it’s a cartoon bunny from Korea that has a lot of toilet humor and butt jokes) mine came with a little red toque. Things have been up and down, sometimes I feel that he always wants to point out that he doesn’t want the same things in life as me. Getting married, having children and decent career. Which is fine but I really wonder if he wants me around, if he loves me so much that he would want to spend time with me and if I’m gone if he would miss me. I wonder if he loves me so much that he would want to commit to me. I really don’t know why but it seems as if there is a battle where he wants instability and then wants consistency. I wish he knew how much I love him because knowing that breaks my heart a little each time. I guess it comes down to I want him to take care of me just enough so that when things are getting rough I can lean on him financially, mentally. To know he’s there for me.   Lately it’s coming down to do I survive or since I know life is more than survival what I am willing to do…or how far I am willing to go. Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
5:51 am	Things going on Today is another night since that day I cannot sleep, trying to get myself into a better place and the good news is in my life I have Jaye now, It seems as if things aren't looking up the way they used to, but good news is today after a weird dream I had things are looking up, well guess I gotta share this with you guys sooner or later, but lost my job, got fired from Roger's, kewl news is I had met some good friends and to tell you all the truth I think that I never really could get the job down right, some days I could do well, others, well, it seems if it just would drag on and on, got a lot of headaches and a lot of times I couldn't really tune off even when it was my time off, the good news is that things there at the office started to become more sales oriented, they were making us sell more and I really started to hate some of the business practices we had like our telemarketing devision. Sometimes I wonder if all the stuff I had gone through made everything worse for me and Jaye, don't really feel as close as I did before and the fact that it's rare that we do anything intimate, well, I don't know. I thought it would be a good thing if we moved in together. I knew things would work out, he would be able to get a job, which he has now and that he was the type of guy that would want to take care of things, I get worried though that perhaps he feels he has to, because he wants to do this out of obligation rather than because he wants to. Like I said I don't know, my friend D thinks that I am totally smitten by him and that's the reason why I feel the way I do. Hardest thing today is after the day was over and it rolled over to a new day, well seems as if I feel lost again, talked to Mommy and I guess it got worse. Knowing it being Thanksgiving and all. No turkey, no friends, no family. In light of everything I think I did make it out of there with a cool bunch of stuff, but then you gotta ask yourself, where you gotta go from here. Not really worried about getting a job, but I am worried about being happy. I want to be but it seems as if I can't gets kindof sad when you are a great distance from friends like A and J. I guess it comes down to where I want to go from here, somewhere in me I know I'm going to get strength back. Somehow. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
11:12 pm	Sunny Shine and Bean Cake     A really nice day, really a day that started out sorta blah because it was one of those days where everyone was kind of pulling at me to grab my attention (had a bit of a weird run in with the landlady) but the sun shine was so nice and I decided to let kitty out for her little adventures. A bit about Bean Cake my cat, about a year a bit it was a rather rainy night closer to autumn where everything got really cold and icky well. I decided to do the usual thing I do, which is watch TV and then all of the sudden out of no where, comes this little knock on my door. To quiet to be a regular human knock. I open the door and there's this white ball of completely soaked fluff looking up at me meowing. Telling me she's 1. cold, 2. hungry and that no body loves here and she all sooooooooo scared! Well of course I had to let her in. I dried her up and removed as much mud as I could and I went out with my umbrella to get some cat food. For some reason I found the old cat dish I had kept that belonged to Fred a cat that I also found in a dumpster years prior. He had to be put down  so I guess I kept it around for a keep sake. Well needless to say I got some food for her and Bean Cake was all happy. She was a bit weary about being in a new place with a stranger asking for her help but she eventually did find a quite place near a heater to keep dry and warm. She didn't have her collar on. I assume that she usually doesn't wear one and I had her stay over for a few days while I tried to find the owner. Then of course she eventually did leave to go out once the sun came out again, thanked me for the kindness and went on her merry way home. The next few days I didn't catch a so much as a peep of her but eventually she did come around but this time with a collar, the name on it didn't seem very clear I thought it said Frankie or Brenkie? Really I had no idea, but the phone number was present. I called her owner who said that she usually goes around a lot to find friends and to see if she can mooch off some food from other people and for some reason she was a bit feral and she was totally used to this, she also told me her name. Bean Cake....gigle. Well I brought her home. Then another day came where Bean Cake somehow found her way into my room and into the kitchen up above my suite, well lo and behold the first thing I saw was this little fluffy head. Deep into a big tub of Butter left on the kitchen counter of one of my room mates back then. Slurping, lapping and Munching away, upset I said in a rather strict tone. Bean Cake. No! well she ran off the counter jumped through a door and was rather scared that I would be so upset that I might hurt her (I assume that she was hurt before in some shape in the past or was abused) but because of the combination of the anxiety and the half of tub a butter she threw up these big chunks of yellow stuff. Looking quite embarased at the ordeal she seemed to decide it was high time to go home before she could himiliate herself even more. Well it's been a while now but since the past owner decided she didn't want anything to do with the cat anymore. Which I find  quite cruel, I decided to take care of her and since then she's been with me here ever since. She's always so loyal and really feels that she can't bear to see me go to work. In all honesty I think I understand why she has this abandonment issue, either way she is a joy to be with and for some reason has gotten really princess-e, always bugging me for the finest cuts of smoked salmon and cream cheese, brie, grilled tuna and once in a while when we decide to go a bit more a la carte Macdonald's french fries. Well today she decided to be out but she's a bit worried about the other cats in the are. Some of them are a bit more scrappier than her. Others are just curious to know who this new girl is next door. They all seem to come to my window now to meow, but alas my kitty won't have anything to do with the boys 'cause she thinks they're ucky! Gigle...so Bean Cake went out for about an hour an a half then decided it was time to come home at least she got out to do her favorite thing which is smell the flowers! Back to today...at work it wasn't so much a blah day, but it is funny I can't shake the feeling that I won't be able to make the grade to make what I want out of a career or life. Don't so much as feel inactive but perhaps I think that dreams and hopes will have to be something that will be settled upon rather than to work forward. I hope that this is not the apathy in which I see so much of day to day in a lot of the staff members in my office. People that don't care, people that fall asleep in the office. That don't want to do a good job or even care about helping people. I wonder too if I can go through with everything. the operation, even living day to day as a woman, certainly some of the nuances come naturally as A has reminded me of in the past. But something keeps on nagging at me. Something where I feel even after everything....well I know one thing that I can not become a woman, no mater how many operations I do undergo and though it is a cruel reality I know the most I can hope for is that I will be accepted by my peers for as much as a woman as I can be. I do know that today I felt like calling everybody, I so wanted time to talk and to make plans to hang and see my friends, but most importantly I want to call to see who can make it to my Birthday. I really would like everybody whose close to me to come see me. More later bois and grls! Danea.   (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 1st, 2007
11:58 pm	OMG so long since I updated this. Okay I hope my friends will read this, let's see.... as a lot of you know I got a really great new job, recently things are pretty good in that regards, enjoying a lot of the perks and stuff that Uncle Teddy gives us CSR's kind of nice to have a decent sallary but the strangest thing is even with moving out of that totally insane place I was in and now being in such a nice quiet place with a decent roommate I find that I still don't feel so great about things not so much like everything is crazy, It's like most days I feel really exhausted, thinking that there's a lot to do for the day but it takes a lot to get me up. I think part of it is the stupid shift that I got right now, I usually start at 11:45am and finish off at 7:45pm, so I get the full eight hours, but by the time I get out of the office it's like it's already dark out. Besides that noticing that well I don't get to hang out much most of my friends are either busy with their lives or I find myself watching too much TV (for some reason we got like 70 channels) or I'm always messing around with video games. Strange that I can't say I feel depressed but I do feel like I really don't have much of desire to pursue my Career ambitions. Perfect example of this is A asked me to see a friend of hers W who owns tattoo shop, she wanted me to check  out his computer because it wasn't working, he initially wanted me to re-install windows as it wouldn't boot up much any more or it would and it would take about 30-40 minutes to start up. I wanted to see what I could preserve on the computer before I removed everything to start from scratch but I guess I wasn't really as focused as I used to be when it comes to fixing computers. In all honesty I should have just did what he said as when I finally figured out what the problem was (a really nasty trojan) I found that the drive was almost destroyed and I could have shaved off a few hours in the install. Good news is I got it working, bad news is well again I could have done it a lot sooner. Don't know why I seem to not have any focus seems to be spreading to my job and I find it sometimes hard to concentrate about things. Anyways on the grly pills again and I tired out laser hair removal with really great results. Sure wish I could spend some more time with A and J and J and C and all my other friends. I really hope things are going well between A and her new beau, a part of me wants to start dating I hope my readers don't find it weird for me to say but I so want to see if W will ever ask me out but I kindof think that he's not really that interested, sides got me thinking this old grl should start dating again, still feeling insecure about how I look though, but I guess that's because I haven't been dating for such a long while. A, J, please please please call me! missing you so much! Okay guys hopefully more next time. Current Mood: blank (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
3:32 am	Wow, can't belive how wired I am tonight, guess like anything a girl can go through life with so many questions but very few answers, one being am I just being impatient or am I just not listening. Decided to go out shopping late at night went to the Supervalue down on Davie via the bus, problem was that the buses are all re-routed 'cause of this Canada line construction they're doing up grandville...the bus droped me off right in the middle of a major prostitution drug area. OMG that was scarry, after I got out though things got beter, but as I was going off Davie even though it was very kate I couldn't believe how nice everbody was, from the man that asked me to but ahead in line...to the lady who came after me as we were waiting to pay. The lady who came after even stated she hoped I would be able to get home safe. So just got home now and since I still can't sleep even though had a bit of a walk back after the bus ride...well now I'm putting in some resume's. Still really worried about B, good news is that I didn't have to talk about my secret, (false alarm) but I mean he's just so unavailable to me. I really don't know if it's intentional. I hate the fact that he's not around and also I hate the fact that he said he would call me so that I can help him move but he didn't even do that! So far now it's been like over two weeks. I hope to god that he isn't in trouble. The last time he told me that he met this guy and I don't know if he's telling me the truth. Whatever is going on it's a worry. I hope to see you again A, I know you're low on cash but we got to so hook up...maybe for coffee, I donno, but it is a good feeling that you're a friend and still around. Call me. Current Mood: awake (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 24th, 2006
2:58 am	the morning after things are rather strange can't sleep tonight AGAIN! and had a run in with Y she's druged out drunk again in the next room. Gawd so do not want to deal with this right now, on the bright side had a crazy time with J and A, A this one's for you BFF grlfriend, gigle. I have been kind of plagued with a thought, not something about my transition but something Y said about B's sister, she may be in some trouble some kind of problems with her uncle abusing her. Question A. do I go and look this up B. do I sit back and do nothing. C. do I tell anybody about that. maybe a combo of A and C comes to my but the worst part is I wonder if I should tell anyone about my secret. I told B that I had this dream about this happening and also I had a dream about Bean Cake the cat getting sick, let's hope I don't end up the Johnny Smith of the T-girl world. In other news still keeping spirits up, even though I kindof regreted the juice I had (man was I hung over the next morning) I really needed to dance all sexy and crazy with those two. I guess a grl totally needs that right now. the more that I spend time with A I really start to trust her more so maybe I'll tell her about my secret. I don't know, we'll see, but I know I do gotta call B about this before things get out of hand...I need to know what's going on. Speaking of trust, I am really starting to like J something tells me that she's on her way to a good life. I'll keep on bugging her till she get's me in on what she's doing. Not just because of my ideas but because well I so want to buy some of what's she's selling at the store. hee hee toys! Other than that...B worried about him he's so freaking distant, I don't know what to make of it. I see her Mom the way she is and I see B. He spends a lot more time with her than me. Not that I'm jellous I mean it is a mother and a kid. Guess I'm kindof surprised it's a druged out mother that is chosen instead of me. I don't know what is going on that's for sure. well guess that's all I gotta get off my chest, Bunnies and Kitties everybody! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
12:11 am	Nother day, today got way worse besides the cold spell, called the landlady told her that Y is acting up, going crazy calling me over and over, telling me that I can't see her B, her kid, things got worse when she started screaming this trying to get into my door. Heard her snorting the stuff next door in her room and well it doesn't sound pretty. All my adversions to narcotics come down to this one point oh gawd. So hard to deal, what's even worse is tomorrow I have to go to the police station to fill out a police report. I'm so scared. hope tomorrow brings some peace of mind 'cause I can't take this! (Comment on this)